While I was scrolling through my twitter feed as I do almost every morning, one of the people I follow by the name of @WeakSquare shared a disturbing Christian post on my timeline. The topic? Marriage To be even more specific, it was a list of 10 “types” of women a Christian man should not marry. In this post, I plan on addressing each of the 10 women depicted one by one and I will be giving my opinion on them, as well as statistical and biblical evidence when needed.
The original post can be found here at this link:
http://nycpastor.com/2014/12/29/10-women-christian-men-should-not-marry/
The post starts off with this quote from proverbs:
“I have perceived among the youths, a young man lacking sense, passing along the street near her corner, taking the road to her house” (Proverbs 7:7-8).”
It is interesting that this NYC Pastor starts off with a quote like this. A quote that comes from the words of Solomon, a man perceived to be one of the wisest men to ever walk the earth. By starting off with this specific quote, the pastor’s tone is set as one of arrogance. He assumes that men who choose to date and marry these women that he goes into talking about are “lacking sense”. Interesting, because as we come to his first women “type”, we can see that his logical train of thought does not seem to go anywhere but in a circle of mixing definitions.
“1. The Unbeliever. Scripture is replete with exhortations against such marriages (in both the Old and New Testaments). Contrary to popular misconception, God’s prohibition against marriages to foreign women in the Old Testament was not due to racism. Instead, God was simply preventing the spread of idolatry. Israel, God’s chosen people in the Old Testament, represented what Christians would later represent in the New Testament. Hence, God’s prohibition against marrying an unbelieving woman in the New Testament (2 Cor 6:14) is simply the extension of God prohibiting a Hebrew man from from marrying a Canaanite woman in the Old Testament (Deut 7:3-4). “Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your children away from following me to serve other gods, and the LORD’s anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you” (Deut 7:3-4).”
-NYC Pastor
Other than only quoting two places in scripture and juxtaposing the two, the pastor fails to read other parts in the Corinthians novels where Paul speaks of the unbelieving wife becoming holy because of her believing husband for their children’s sake. (1 Corinthians 7:12-15)
As someone who has been a relationship with an unbelieving woman for quite some time now, I do not find myself worshiping her “idols” as the pastor insinuates I would be doing by now. It makes me question if he had even taken the time to look up the statistics of successful marriages between Christian men and unbelieving women (and vise versa for that matter)
An article written by ReligionNews.com reports that religious/nonreligious couples focus their families around “values” rather than “beliefs”
(http://www.religionnews.com/2014/06/09/mixed-faith-marriages-focus-values-beliefs/)
With that said, I share the same opinion as I, myself have and am having this experience with my companion. Instead of focusing on whether my partner believes or not, I focus on her moral compass, and the way it lines up with mine. When it comes down to it, my beliefs are often very superstitious in nature and I realized that they have more to do with cultural influences than the values they claim to represent. My girlfriend is living proof that someone can live a life “Good without God”. While similar belief systems would be ideal, they are not a prerequisite to a successful marriage. I give this one a 2 out of 10.
“2. The Divorcee. Jesus clearly taught that unless the first marriage ended due to a partner’s sexual infidelity, a second marriage is to be considered invalid and adulterous. A divorced woman, therefore, is off limits for a Christian man–unrepentant adultery being a sin that prevents one from obtaining eternal life (1 Cor 6:9). “If she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:12). “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9).”
– NYC Pastor
Now this is laughable. We open up with a No True Scotsman fallacy and a fear-mongering (sinful) tactic of mentioning that unrepentant adultery will, in fact, keep you from entering the kingdom of heaven. Are you serious, pastor? Nowadays, there are countless reasons that divorces occur. Some men are abusive fathers, abusive husbands (these actions are not biblical grounds to end a marriage, by the way ladies), gambling issues that lead to financial instability and unsafe environments for children. This Bronze-aged bozo literally implies that women who leave abusive husbands to be with a man who will treat them right is committing adultery. I have no biblical support to justify my reasons as stated above, and it is sad that I don’t. I guess beating and stoning your wife was the only way out of a marriage if both partners were faithful (sigh). 0 out of 10 for utter stupidity and lack of sympathy for victims of domestic abuse.
3. The Older Woman. Not a sin, but certainly not God’s ideal. God expects men to be the spiritual leaders of the home (Eph 5:25) and it certainly requires an extra measure of grace to lead a woman who’s older than you. Again, if you’re a man and you’re already in such a marriage, then honor it till the day you die–it’s still a valid marriage and divorce is not an option! However, if you’re not yet married but thinking about an older woman I want to remind you that God intentionally (with good reason!) created Adam before Eve in the First Marriage. Scripture informs us that God created man first chronologically for the sake of authority! Listen: “I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve” (1 Timothy 2:12-13).
-NYC Pastor
There are so many things I can say about the utter stupidity of this one… Age has nothing to do with power, that is my first point. He uses the biblical story of Adam and Eve to try to justify his opinionated stand on why a man should be older than his wife. From a Creation point of view, Eve would have been made just a mere hours AFTER Adam. Seriously? That is the best you can come up with? Let us use just a little common sense. I was born on November 2, 1994. If my wife was born on November 1, 1994, this pastor suggests that I should not marry her because she is older. That is literally where he was trying to go with that point. If you don’t find that even a little silly, then I’m not sure if we read the same post. Then we head on over to the book of 1 Timothy. This pastor literally justifies his own misogyny by supporting his opinionated view with a bible text in order to oppress women. The rebuttal for this, though not biblical, is a simple one that I have heard many use to justify that misogyny is wrong.
“Eve was not taken out of Adam’s head to top him, neither his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him”
The pastor also quotes a study done in 2009 that apparently shows that 53% of marriages of a man with a women 2 to 3 years older than he ended in divorce. That’s funny, the average divorce rate for Christians and Non-Christians alike is around 60% right now. Didn’t want to mention that statistic, did you now, pastor?
We have to face the facts here. The bible has many misogynistic verses that are used to oppress women in modern times, but at the same time, there were many powerful women that God used in order to do his will. Whether God used their sex appeal or not is a topic for a different post. I give this one a 3 out of 10 for at least showing the fact that he made this one up.
4. The Feminist. There’s no room within Christendom for the “Christian feminist.” Though women and men have equal value in the eyes of God (Gal 3:28), they certainly have different God-given roles. Any woman who tries to usurp her husband’s authority or even claims to be a co-leader with her man is gravely dishonoring the God who created her to be subject and obedient to her husband (Eph 5:22, Col 3:18, 1 Pet 3:1). Eve was distinctly created “for” man, a point that the apostle Paul makes abundantly clear in 1 Corinthians 11 when he writes, “For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.” (1 Corinthians 11:8-9). Men, your wife is to be your “helper” (Gen 2:18)–not your leader and certainly not your equal in terms of authority. Look for a woman who agrees with you in this very vital God-ordained relational dynamic.
-NYC Pastor
After his assertion of Gen 2:18, he asserts his own opinion, once again. As a feminist and a son of a household where my mother is the primary bread-winner of the family, I find this one to just be preposterous. Other than using the “Straw Man” fallacy by misrepresenting the feminist movement, he adds on to his misogynistic agenda. Trying to justify this point is outright stupid. A man should be responsible for his wife, and in turn a woman should be responsible for her husband. It is a mutual relationship. Taking different texts and trying to apply them to your personal view takes them out of the context of the bible (which is important only when jumping around) and into the context of one’s own biases. 1 out of 10 because I’m being nice.
5. The Sexy-Dresser. Sexy might inadvertently catch your eyeballs, but it shouldn’t catch your heart. The way that a woman is willing to expose herself says much about her heart: “And behold, the woman meets him, dressed as a prostitute, wily of heart” (Proverbs 7:10). The text in Proverbs explains that a woman will dress in a certain way to catch a certain type of man. Don’t be that man. Don’t be the fool who’s led by his hormones instead of the Holy Spirit. Remember: you want godly, not gaudy.
-NYC Pastor
Slut shaming? Really. He didn’t do that…did he? He did. He compared women who are comfortable (and sometimes uncomfortable) with their bodies that exemplify their beauty by wearing less clothing are “prostitutes”. Also, his summary of the single bible text is longer than the bible text itself, which tells you that, once again, he is interjecting his personal opinion with the text written in the bible. The text was simply defining how the woman looked, not what she was doing, or trying to do. For that, you must read around the proverb. He didn’t want you to see the context and that is on him. The context explains that the women dressed like a “prostitute” was in fact, a prostitute. The way that she dressed did not define her as such, it was her actions and lifestyle choices:
…11She is boisterous and rebellious, Her feet do not remain at home; 12She is now in the streets, now in the squares, And lurks by every corner. 13So she seizes him and kisses him And with a brazen face she says to him:…
-Proverbs 7:11-13
I wish I could give negative points. Slut shaming, victim blaming, misogyny..and we are only half way done… 0 out of 10
6. The Loud-Mouth. Women may love to talk, but there’s wisdom in looking for a woman who speaks with wisdom. Gossip and slander are not good things to have in your marriage. Desperate housewives make for desperate husbands. “Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not.” (1 Timothy 5:13).
– NYC Pastor
I think it is time to quote a Canadian Rapper:
N***as talk more than b***hes these days (Just let that sink in)
-Drake
If you are going to use this as an example for women, you must understand that women are not the only ones who gossip. Also, since the initial post continues to bash on women “types” I took into account that the pastor’s other post “10 Men Christian Women Should Not Marry” (http://nycpastor.com/2014/10/23/ten-men-christian-women-should-not-marry/) did not have any mention of a gossiping man. Sexism and stereotypes of the truest form. Another 0 out of 10 for this one.
7. The Child-Hater. (This does not mean that the woman hates all children.) Do not marry a woman who is not willing to have children of her own. In the Christian worldview, there is absolutely no room for two married, biologically capable, human beings to remain intentionally child-less. If you are adverse towards having children, then there’s a simple remedy for that: single-hood. However, if God has called you to marriage, then He actually expects children. Both the New and Old Testaments are very clear on this teaching: “Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring” (Malachi 2:15). “Yet she will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control” (1 Timothy 2:15).
– NYC Pastor
What on Earth is this? Are you serious? Time for a little Ecology lesson. Our world is becoming overpopulated and there are STARVING CHILDREN that need the home of a loving family. Many biologically sound parents choose not to have their own children in order to give these children better lives. That is a selfless act. This point implies that a woman who can bear children, but sees the need in the children which is not her own is grater than her want for her own child, she is not worthy of marriage. If by now, you are not even a little disturbed by this pastor’s words, let us take a look at the last three points he tries to make. 0 out of 10.
8. The Wander-Luster. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional family vacation. There is something very wrong with a girl who regularly needs to be “out of the home.” The constant desire for new experiences, new places, new faces, and new forms of entertainment only serves to clearly manifest the fact that the woman has not found her rest in God. Believe it or not, Scripture speaks repeatedly about such women: “She is loud and wayward; her feet do not stay at home” (Proverbs 7:11); “Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things they ought not to” (1 Timothy 5:13).
– NYC Pastor
“There is something wrong” alright. This man is wrong. He pretty much is saying that you should not marry and adventurous woman. Okay pastor, where do you suppose the woman belongs? According to his other posts, I’m assuming he would want to say somewhere between the kitchen and at the foot of her husband. I am beyond upset by this man’s lack of understanding of reality. He has been consumed by his idiotic interpretations that he uses to confuse and and undermine women who are “fearfully and wonderfully made” as the bible would put it. 0 out of 10.
9. The Career Woman. Now, I want to clarify something here. There is nothing wrong with a woman who works (Acts 16:14), what’s wrong is a woman who puts her career ahead of her family. Modern American society might hate to hear this, but God made men to be the providers and women to be the nurturers of the home (in most instances). It’s okay for a woman to be a doctor, attorney, or any other professional. However, if her career is coming at the expense of her home, then something is wrong. If day-care is raising her young children while she’s working, then something is wrong. I understand that there might be a season of life where the wife might have to be the main bread-winner due to her husband’s unemployment, but it should not be the desired norm. The woman ought to be willing (and even desirous–to some extent) to give up her job for the sake of raising her kids in the Lord. “So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander” (1 Tim 5:14).
– NYC Pastor
WOW. A point that could have made sense, ruined by a man’s bias. Just wow. Like I said, my mom is the main bread-winner. I was put into Day Care and that is NOT A PROBLEM. This man is dense. So dense and set on drinking his old wine that he stores in his old wine skins. Part of raising children is providing food for them, shelter for them, care for them. A working woman that works 40+ hours a week can do just that. 3 out of 10 for actually stating something that isn’t offensive at face-value.
10. The Devotion-less Woman. Is the woman having a regular, daily devotional time with her God? If she doesn’t love the Lord now, chances are, she won’t love the Lord after marriage. (Don’t delude yourself–you’re not going to change her.) You want to marry a girl who has an intimate relationship with Jesus. Jesus (not you) has to be the first man in her life. Here are some good questions to ask: Does she have an active prayer life? Does she have a heart for evangelism? Is she hungry for God’s Word? What does her pastor think about her?
– NYC Pastor
What does your pastor’s thoughts of the woman have to do with her? Devotional? Really? Most Christians do not and have not even read their bible. This has to be one of the most unhelpful things one can look for in a wife. Where is the real advice, pastor? 1 out of 10.
Overall, this NYC pastor scores 10 out of a possible 100 on his posts. I understand the fact that he is attempting to be what I like to call a “by the book” christian, but there were many other women “types” that would have been more acceptable to speak up against as his post on men was a lot better formatted biblically in stating actual issues that you would want to steer clear from whether you are a christian or not (e.g. “The Addict”, from his “10 Men Christian Women Should Not Marry” post). This is a prime example on how fundamentalism should NOT be done. Everyone has the right to their own opinion, but people who claim to be pastors have to take even more responsibility when sharing posts like these with people. Out of his 10 women “types”, I would say that 2 would make a good case, but are presented poorly, and the first one is another example of just a conflict of interests. Based on this post and many of his other posts, I do believe the man is trying to be sincere, but his lack of sympathy for women in a changing world is quite shocking to me.
When Erik posted this on twitter, I wasn’t expecting it to be as bad as he claimed it to be when it came down to the “bigoted and misogynistic” points that are critiqued above. Out of respect for the man behind the post, I wanted to make it clear that I have nothing against this man, or what he is attempting to teach in the sense that he has the right to write about whatever he would like. I am, however, not going to condone such blatant examples of slut-shaming, victim blaming, and overall misogyny as his original post shows. There are many ways to misuse the bible, and it is my opinion that polluting bible truths with our faulty interpretations of the texts is just one way of doing so. The bible is not a children’s story. It is full of humanly immoral events, sex, rape, slavery, and killing. Like this NYC Pastor, many of us tend to pick only the parts of the bible which we want to read while ignoring the parts we don’t want to read. We also tend to try to justify these darker parts through apologetics and referring strictly to context, when the context in itself is not much better. I believe that if we are to take the bible to have any more meaning than what is written plainly in the 66 different books, we are going to run into inputting our personal biases into our studies and pollute the parts of the bible which may hold some truth to them.
If there is a God, may it bless you.
Alexander Capo
Talk it out or Walk it out 